Fighting the Distance with Internet

From him

You’re involved in a long-distance relationship or you’re about to leave your significant other? My girlfriend and I have a good amount of tips that could be useful for you, since we have passed around 9 months far from each other.
You’re blessed to live in such an era! Today, everything is made easier. Contacts with people from abroad is made possible by hundreds of applications and softwares. This post is about what Internet allows you to do to lower the pain from being separated from your loved one. We’ll talk about phones and other ideas later.
I’m pretty sure you’re all aware of this, but I’ll insist. Use Skype. Use Facebook. Use MSN. Use anything that can create a good contact between you two.

Skype is great, but not necessarily the best. You can of course use it for webcam calls. Hearing the voice of a distant lover is one of the most beautiful things in the world – you feel near again. Webcams are also really great for keeping in touch and not losing the feeling of knowing the other. Alas, we have poor webcams and, although we used to do it everyday, we now rely mainly on text-based contact. Use Skype as much as you can: organize your schedule for a daily call at least. When you can’t, you can resource to delayed messages. Facebook and MSN (and hotmail) come in handy here.
I personally adore receiving a letter in the mail, but a e-mail is wonderful too. Even if you have a lot of contact with your loved one, it’s always a nice litte surprise to discover they have taken extra time to write you something that you could read later. It could be a poem, or just a small word. It’s still wonderful. MSN delayed messages act quite the same, and Facebook is useful for linking both of your social circles. As an overseas couple, we couldn’t really do that, obviously, but we use Facebook a great deal for sharing pictures of our respective environments. It makes you feel nearer to the other to be able to see the world like they do and keep track of their activities. If you were with them, there’s no way you wouldn’t be part of those or wouldn’t get a summary afterwards!

Whatever you decide to use, DISCUSS a lot. Discuss anything. Politics, vegans, religion, small talk, everything will do. Make sure you both care about each other – really. Ask about the day of your loved one and tell them yours. It might seem boring, because love in a distance radidly gets boiled down to a wave of “I miss you”’s and “How was your day”. However, even if you feel there isn’t as much magic as when you were together, keep up with it. You’ll be rewarded next time you see each other! It’s important to pay attention to these small details. Knowing your partner well and keeping a good trust with him or her is essential for a healthy relationship.

You can also send e-cards from time to time, it’s always a pleasure to receive! Internet is also great, obviously, for sharing songs you like, that make you think of the other, or pictures, news, videos. You should also try to use technology to spend time together, even though you’re far away.
Silvia and I have been dealing with a 6 hour-difference between her country and mine. If she weren’t an insomniac, we would have roughly 12 hours of common time everyday. You might want to plan a daily night (depending on your work and other obligations, of course) where you definitely take time with your loved one and do something. Do a Skype call and watch a movie in the same time. You’ll be able to hear the laughs or to feel the sadness of your partner as the film goes! You could also draw something together progressively, like adding one thing after another. I did it with my dear Italian mouse, here’s the result:

We know it’s pure rubbish. But it’s things like that, that make you laugh and have a good time, that allow you to keep the sparks active in your relationship and to not loose the idea of “magic” you expect from being with someone.
One last thing: if you’re living on two different times, be sure to leave a message for the other one to read when he or she wakes up. It’s always a wonderful way to start the day, even if the other one is still sleeping!
We have relied on Internet to communicate ever since we started. That’s even how we met in the first place. However, as cool as it might seem, please, please, use other means of keeping in touch. We’ll discuss that in a coming-up post! Thanks for reading!

From her

I know what you're probably thinking. How is that possible?! How can you consider your relationship a true relatiship, if you can't even CARESS the cheek of your lover?

Well, you have here a great love story telling you're wrong, and that even the furthest true love can survive today. And my boyfriend's given you a fantastic explanation of our methods that I really suggest to take as a guidebook, a good direction for the survival of your love.

Still doubtful? Well, now it's me who's going to explain something very important and basilar for a healthy long-distance love! Read me carefully.

Every couple is different from the other; but every social relationship is based on the conversation. And this is not only for a long-distance relationship, but for all the normal couples in the world. Of course there are others activities to do as much important as the conversation, but you can't live without it: you need to talk, and to built a solid couple by your trust in the other.

I'm telling you all that because I know very well that "false couples" are everywhere. By that I mean I see everyday normal couples who don't talk at all, or they don't talk enough, or they stay with the other only as a "status symbol"... you know, someone to show when you're at a party with all people. And going there alone... wooah, let's talk about that, you don't want make fool of yourself! 

This common false and immature couple would be destroyed by distance. That's for sure.

Distance is cruel, distance steals all the happiness of cuddles, hugs and kisses between a woman and a man in love.
That's a very, very, very hard obstacle, I'm truely honest. And I'd say too that a lot of long-distance couples, unluckily, as soon as this nightmare starts... they're just not able to go on, and they give up. And they tell to everyone that this was caused by the distance.

Are we sure about that? Not me, because I'm convinced that the true love can survive to that. Of course, not for 20 years, but for a couple of months... yes, I am truely convinced, indeed.

I don't want to be rude, neither to scare. I just want to tell everyone that is not only because of the distance, but sometimes because of the couples too. And long-distance relatioship is not for everyone.

Now, let's talk about the central point: you're relationship is a healthy one? Yes? Perfect. Now, you have to convert all that in the virtual way. 

I know, it's strange, it doesn't sound good. But it is, indeed. If you really do want to keep your lover, convince yourself that you're going to do anything necessary for your purpose, and it worths it.

For the first weeks, in my opinion, the eyesight is really important. After you're departed, of after you're lover has departed, you feel... abandonated. Alone, terribly lonely, you need to see him\her, you need a contact... but you don't have. So, let's hang on the eyesight, for now.

To understand that your love still exists, and that you're ready to fight, I really suggest you to take advantage of the technology of Skype. Buy you a micro and a pretty good webcam, and you'll be able to talk again with your lover, as if he\she was here with you.
Of course it's not enough, you'll think. But after days without him\her, you're also going to say: "Woah, I've just discovered that I really need it". And it is. And it's totally useful.
My boyfriend and me we have lived about that for 3 months, then 5 months, and now again 3 months of distance. Before it was really different: we needed everyday to see us.
Today it's different, I'm honest. He's found a job, we have a different daily time, so... it's harder. And seeing him, at least for me, it's even more painful. So, I'm suggesting you to try, but you could also dislike it, because it shows you something you'd like to join with.

Then of cours, letters and gifts, they're always a very plaising activity to organise for your lover, and to keep the romantic side of the relationship, comparing with the coldness of your computer.

Try, before telling it's too much painful and hard. You can do it.

Le commencement - FR

« Loin des yeux, loin du coeur », dit le dicton.

Je ne suis pas d'accord. 

Je viens du Québec, petit îlot francophone en Amérique du Nord. Un endroit fabuleux, avec ses défauts, bien sûr. Un endroit où je me suis toujours senti bien.

Mieux encore, je viens d'une région assez nordique de la province. À peine 250 000 personnes habitent ici.

Bien que j'aie beaucoup voyagé aux États-Unis et dans le reste du Canada, étant enfant, je ne m'étais jamais vraiment intéressé aux cultures étrangères à la mienne. Mon adolescence a gravité autour des jeux de rôle, d'Internet et de l'apprentissage autodidacte d'une multitude de disciplines. Avant l'âge de 16 ans, je ne sortais jamais avec qui que ce soit. Puis, tout a déboulé. Du jour au lendemain, je suis passé de troglodyte à superstar de la sphère sociale. J'étais l'homme de toutes les soirées. Celui à qui l'on pouvait tout confier. Et surtout, l'éternel célibataire sans emploi ni difficultés à l'école, toujours prêt, en somme, à écouter et à me déplacer pour les autres.

La fin du secondaire est arrivée rapidement. En deux ans, j'étais devenu une autre personne, mais cette soudaine surexposition à la complexité des relations m'avait rendu amer et méprisant des autres. Bien sûr, j'étais encore celui qui sortait cinq fois par semaines (sans jamais boire une goutte!), j'étais encore celui à qui on pouvait parler des soirées entières sur MSN, celui qui ne disait jamais non ou presque. Mais le moral était bas. Je m'étais fait une fausse idée du concept de relation amoureuse. L'image que j'en avais était celle née de l'observation des couples que je côtoyais au quotidien. De ceux-là, peu peuvent encore aujourd'hui se targuer d'exister. Je voyais l'entité du couple comme un appareil grossier et enfantin entraînant trop de responsabilités pour peu d'avantages.

Ce qui ne m'empêchait pas, dans une admirable contradiction, de désirer profondément la rencontre d'une compagne.

J'ai plongé dans la formation préuniversitaire en sciences sociales sans me préoccuper de mon avenir amoureux. Les premiers mois ont été routiniers et ennuyants, dépourvus d'événements majeurs outre l'obtention de mon permis de conduire et mon tout premier emploi. Je continuais de sortir sans y prendre plaisir. Je me voyais célibataire pour l'éternité.

Tout a changé dans un cour de sociologie. Si, de prime abord, le cours m'avait semblé (et à juste titre) un triste gaspillage de temps, il avait le mérite de présenter un projet réellement intéressant - le premier et le dernier de mon parcours scolaire, cela va sans dire. Et ce projet allait me faire changer d'avis sur à peu près tout ce que je considérais comme ancré dans ma personnalité et dans ma conception du monde.

Nous fûmes jumelés avec des étudiants italiens pour la réalisation d'une courte entrevue sur les différences culturelles entre le Québec et le pays des pâtes. Ce n'est pas ma correspondante attitrée (avec qui je n'eus que des contacts fugaces) qui me fit découvrir les joies de l'échange culturel, mais bien un groupe, sur les médias sociaux, réunissant tous les participants au projet. Comme le niveau de motivation est tout à fait impressionnant par son inexistence dans le programme des sciences sociales, j'étais pratiquement le seul élève québécois à m'intéresser au projet et à discuter avec les Italiens.

Tout changea alors.

Comme j'avais énormément de temps libre, je me mis à apprendre la langue de Dante. Par moi-même. En quelques semaines, j'étais devenu plutôt bon. Las de l'ennuyante société québécoise, je m'intéressai tout de suite à la bouillonnante culture italienne, à ces mots différents, à ce pays du soleil, de l'olive, où tout semblait toujours merveilleusement beau. Je me suis mis à voyager avec la langue, avec les mots et avec les photos. Je parlais quotidiennement à plusieurs élèves italiens. Nous échangions sur toutes sortes de choses.

Après plus d'un mois, assez confiant en mon niveau d'italien, je décidai de traduire un de mes vieux textes et de le soumettre au jugement critique de mes correspondants. Celles (car il n'y avait que peu de garçons) qui étaient intéressées reçurent le texte et me couvrirent de fleurs, vantant mes mérites et louangeant mon esprit vif. Cependant, une de mes lectrices, avec qui je n'avais jamais échangé un traître mot, me dit que je devais améliorer la concordance des temps de verbe et m'exercer au subjonctif...

Oh, la traîtresse. Exactement le genre de choses qui piquent ma curiosité.

Abrégeons. Nous nous sommes mis à nous parler et très vite, nous avons constaté que nous nous plaisions. Quelques jours plus tard, nous nous sommes déclarés notre amour. J'avais 17 ans, elle 16. Moi, un peu d'argent en poche, mais il m'était absolument impossible de la rejoindre. Elle, sans-le-sou, et trop jeune pour songer à aller visiter un étranger plus âgé et de sexe masculin.

Je vous épargne les péripéties. Nous aurons indubitablement l'occasion d'y revenir.

Comme je le disais au début, je ne crois plus au dicton « Loin des yeux, loin du coeur ».
Car il y aura bientôt 15 mois que je vis un amour fantastique avec la co-auteure de ce blogue, ma tendre moitié Silvia. Nous avons décidé de présenter notre expérience (très positive) d'amour à distance sur Internet pour pouvoir encourager des gens aux prises avec la même situation et renforcer le lien unique qui nous unit. Ce blogue sera rédigé dans trois langues - la sienne, l'italien, la mienne, le français, et la lingua franca du moment, l'anglais, bien évidemment. Le but est de rejoindre le plus grand public possible et de s'entraider entre couples séparés.

Que vous songiez à une relation à distance ou que vous en meniez déjà une, sachez que nous croyons qu'elles ne sont pas irréalisables. Nous en sommes la preuve vivante. Je me rendrai dans une quarantaine de jours en Italie pour y poursuivre un stage de 9 mois auprès de ma bien-aimée. Les choses ne sont jamais impossibles quand on s'aime vraiment.

Peu importe la souffrance que vous vivez ou anticipez, soyez assurés que le sentiment d'avoir un couple en bonne santé et d'être en symbiose avec son partenaire est inégalable. C'est celui que nous vivons au quotidien, même si plus de 6000 kilomètres nous séparent actuellement. L'amour à distance, surtout entre deux personnes de cultures différentes, offre d'innombrables possibilités d'apprendre de nouvelles choses sur soi-même et sur le monde et est grandiose en soi. On est certain de ne pas s'ennuyer! 

L'inizio - IT

Abbiamo deciso di scrivere questo blog in tre lingue: italiano, francese e inglese. Italiano la mia madrelingua, francese la sua, e inglese l'unico strumento di comunicazione internazionale che entrambi conosciamo per farci capire da chiunque non conoscesse le prime due.

Scriveremo della nostra storia, di come cerchiamo di mandarla avanti nonostante i chilometri, di quali stratagemmi e trucchetti usiamo, i passatempi che organizziamo, e come risolviamo le mancanze di un amore così lontano. 

Abbiamo passato, del resto, molti mesi di carenza affettiva che abbiamo cercato di rimpiazzare con altro. E ci stiamo riuscendo benissimo, seppur con molte sofferenze. Ma questo è, soprattutto, perché ci crediamo.

Là fuori ci sono tante persone che "in questo non ci credono". In molti mi sono venuti a dire che non avrebbe funzionato perché loro, semplicemente, scelgono di "non credere".

Affronto l'argomento: come si può scegliere di credere o meno? E' un po' come chiedersi di credere o meno nell'amore stesso: è mai possibile? Se arriva, arriva punto e basta; se non arriva, allora si può mettere in dubbio.

Stessa cosa per la relazione a distanza. A mio parere, nessuno a meno che non l'abbia già vissuta può affermare "io non credo nelle relazioni a distanza".

E' una generalizzazione troppo, troppo infondata. Se così fosse, allora, perché la mia sta funzionando meglio di alcune non a distanza che conosco?

Vero però che tante crollano, messe a dura prova da difficoltà insormontabili da certi punti di vista. Certo, se un amore si basa sulla fisicità, sulla passione e sulla normale quotidianità, che si limita a mangiare gelati insieme e ad uscire con gli amici... questo, quasi sicuramente, non funzionerà. Ma una coppia che si basa anche sulla conversazione, lo scambio d'opinioni, la condivisione di passioni e hobby, insomma una coppia formata da persone mature e piene di risorse... la situazione è diversa! Non credete?

Per finire, in veste di veterani dell'amore a distanza, abbiamo deciso di aggiungere un altro passatempo-attesa e di sfruttare la nostra esperienza per aiutarne delle altre, e di conseguenza affermare ancora di più la nostra.

Se state vivendo una relazione a distanza e non sapete come affrontarla, o se state pensando che tanto non funzionerà e volete abbandonarla... scriveteci, e rifletteteci bene, perché potreste anche pentirvene, domani o tra dieci anni.
Del resto, che cosa si ha da perdere nella vita? Fugace, scivola via dalle mani, senza neanche accorgersene. E forse, a 60 anni suonati, vi renderete conto che... ops! L'amore che mi sfuggì dalle mani...
Armatevi di coraggio, pazienza e soprattutto, maturità.

Maturità. Maturità... maturità... l'eco di una parola che non regola, purtroppo, l'avventatezza e la stupidità di tante persone.